Wanting depth

from pinterest

I was talking with a dear friend tonight, trying to articulate some thoughts I’ve been having for the last few weeks.

I know Jesus loves me. I know I am saved and perfectly loved through His finished, completely effective work. But I don’t always live with that knowledge at the forefront of my mind.

OK, who am I kidding? I usually don’t live with that knowledge at the forefront of my mind!!

Basically, I’m hungry. Wanting to go deeper. Knowing there is more joy, more meaning, more fulfillment in Jesus than I am getting right now. But I’m not quite sure how to get there.

A wise man recently said that our fears of stepping into responsibility can keep us from growth and experiencing God’s blessing in new ways.

I’ve struggled with fears and anxiety off and on throughout my life. I fought a pretty big war against them about five years ago, and experienced significant healing and freedom.

But lately those little anxious thoughts have crept back in. The fears. The worries. About frivolous things and serious ones.

And I don’t want to let them take over again.

I’ve been pondering how to practice going deeper — how to meditate on the Word more, memorize it, chew it over, let it inform my life at a more intense level.

But at every chance my little leaky-bucket heart wants to do something else. It’s quiet, subtle, but always choosing NOT to think about Jesus.

Little heart, God is greater than you. He wants what is best for you, and not what you want — you want to be Him, and nobody can be Him except for God.

So here’s to adventures in spiritual discipline. Said dear friend is going to check up on me, and see if I’m regurgitating ideas on this blog on a semi-regular basis. And I’m going to ask another dear friend to adventure through Scripture memory with me.

I have no idea where this will end.

But I know I need Jesus. I need Him every day.

And, knowing Him, He will pull me through my fears, grow me to be more like Himself, and change my leaky-bucket, anxious heart into a little flicker of His own radiance.

Come, Lord Jesus, come!


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